This year, I am participating in Shadow Manor’s Secret Santa Can Suck It virtual gift exchange. It’s a lovely tradition for which I never seem to be on time, so I was delighted to finally participate.
My giftee is the inevitable Kathy White. Now, I know a Kathi White, and at first, I confused them, but I did realize that my target is, in fact, a complete stranger to me. I know nothing about this person, if, indeed, she exists, and isn’t a fevered hallucination of Jenna’s. That would be diabolical, wouldn’t it? She can’t fake all the names, but she could cleverly sneak a few in for extra booty. She also runs the Secret Pumpkin gift exchange. I’ll have to watch out if she someday assigns me a “stranger.”
I mean, really, “Kathy White?” She may as well have assigned me “John Smith.” She also mentioned that my assignee didn’t have a list of likes or dislikes. THAT WAS EXTRAORDINARILY LAZY, JENNA! If you’re going to make up a person, you could at least put in some of your likes and dislikes. Perhaps she thought that would tip the game? I can understand why she wouldn’t want to slip in some Hello Kitty to throw me off. Next thing you know, she’s getting this for Christmas:
Well, HellOOO Kitty!
Okay then, we’ve determined that my giftee is likely fictional; nonetheless, I shall take this as seriously as I normally would, which is not seriously at all. Perhaps there really is a Kathy. It could happen. There are plenty of perfectly real Kathies in the world. Hah, yeah right.
So, on to my gift. When I don’t know someone, I usually get them either fuzzy holiday socks, or a Starbucks gift card. But I have no limits here, so I shall default to the strategy of the truly terrible gifter: giving that which I want to receive.
Congratulations, “Kathy,” you get a GOTH BATHROOM MAKEOVER! Hope you have plenty of room, because I thought we’d start with something like this:
Small bathrooms lack drama
This has just the right balance of dreariness and filtered light through stained glass. I’m sure “Kathy” won’t mind if we take out a few walls. It’s worth it for the ultimate bathroom! Now let’s put a tub right in front of the fireplace. I like this one:
Imagine this big enough to drown in
It’s a bit shiny for our theme, so we might have to rough it up a little. Maybe drag it behind a truck.
For a commode, we have this delightful number:
There’s a small automatic flame under the back of the seat so you can “breath fire”
The lid is nice, but I disapprove strongly of the rest. Black from foot to lid, I say. And a matching bog roll dispenser:
Yes, that’s actually a paper towel dispenser. I like big butts and I cannot lie.
For a vanity, this should do:
And hang this behind it, to tie in with the toilet:
Where do you get dragon milk? SHORT COWS.
That is my gift to you, “Kathy,” and may it bring you joy this holiday season.